I had one deliciously great week at home. Josh and I settled ourselves into a routine that involved laundry, eating, and focused practice of our instruments (cello and bass). I would say it was a week of on point "adulting". We did not even watch Netflix once the entire week. Granted, there were plenty of short videos of amazing kittens and ducklings, which probably made up for all of the Netflix we would have watched, but shhhhh, fuggedaboudit, arright?
I'm currently in the car on the way to Texas, via Memphis. We're staying with our old friends and their charming 7 month old and 3 year old. These kids are ruddy faced, healthy, jovial, happy to see you babies who are as affectionate as they are playful. It literally brings me joy to see them and hang out with them... and makes me feel old : ).
Ok. Here are some thoughts. I have committed to the ideology of consistency. I am vowing to be consistent in my daily affairs, to make every effort to practice every day, even if for a short amount of time, and to show up every day to chip away at the marble statue that encases our lives. I'll admit, my emotions definitely govern whether I show up or not. When I'm feeling great it is so easy to be a motivated, well-intentioned person. But there are some weeks (ahem last week) where it felt like I had climbed up on a chair with a broomstick trying to shove all these things I didn't want to do into a corner. I enjoy being a healthy person, I relish the opportunity to work and push myself out of my comfort zone, but sometimes it's just so damn hard. During that week I felt this weight, this resistance and hostility to doing the work that I knew I had to do. I definitely had the awareness to know what I should be doing, but I couldn't make myself do it.
And then somehow, whether gradually or not, this week I fell... back on track. Soberly focused, on time for my life. I got out my cello. I practiced. I also cooked, and went to the gym, and would have done more things if there had been more time in the day.
It'd be great to know the greater forces that govern these moods, and it'd be even better to always stay on the high line and devote myself to the excellence of consistency. Realistically though? One day at a time. I am not going to beat myself up for not practicing today- I hopped in the car at 7:45AM, and now it is almost 7:30PM and I am not yet out of the car... consistency is a goal, right? It's those moments of internal conflict, of having a long day and still doing the things that you know you have to do- in those moments of flailing energy, to summon the willpower to hustle and make things happen. That is my Achilles heel. Acknowledgement is the first step, right? We'll see what tomorrow brings.